Letting your partner parent

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Q: How do I prepare my child for a new sibling?

It’s better to wait until at least the second trimester to tell them that you’re having another baby. Not only does the risk of pregnancy loss drop significantly, but you’re also more likely to be showing. A growing belly gives your kid something concrete to grasp, says Laura Phillips, a pediatric neuropsychologist at the Child Mind Institute. 

Here are some ways to prep them for their new sibling:

• Anchor the baby’s arrival around milestones: Kids under 3 don’t have a real sense of time, so it’s hard for them to grasp that a baby is “on the way.” To help them understand, try saying, “First comes your birthday, then daddy’s birthday, and then the baby.” That way your kid can mentally cross off each milestone in the “countdown” to their sibling’s arrival, says Phillips.

• Read books about becoming an older sibling: The books should emphasize that it’s OK to have a range of feelings before and after the baby arrives. Phillips recommends “Waiting for Baby,” “The New Baby,” and “You Were the First.” 

• Set expectations for the day of birth: If you have time, go over the plan for what will happen when you’re at the hospital. For example, “Grandma will come pick you up from daycare and take you to her house. You’re going to stay with her for one or two nights, and then she’ll bring you home to meet the baby.”

• Keep their routine as consistent as possible: Routines and schedules help kids know what to expect and help them feel safe and secure. Try to maintain daycare and home routines in the few weeks leading up to and after the baby’s birth.

• Anticipate big transitions: Think potty training, getting rid of the pacifier, or switching from the crib to a bed. Try to do those things a few months before or wait until a few months after the baby is born. The goal is to minimize the number of changes happening at one time. 

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It’s OK to Let Your Partner Parent in Their Own Way

As the default parent, it can be hard to stand back and watch your partner handle certain tasks. You might feel you know the best way to dress them, make meals, or prep for daycare. But guess what? Your partner can do all those things, and unless there’s a safety concern, it’s important to let them, says Erica James-Strayhorn, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Not only will that build trust in your relationship, it’ll also help with the division of parenting responsibilities. 

A few tips to help you ‘let go’ of needing to do it your way:  

• Trust your partner: You trust them to handle other tasks, such as grocery shopping or school drop off, so try to translate that confidence into parenting. “The diaper got put on, the kid got fed, the kid got bathed … you'll see that the other parent was more than capable of doing it, and you didn't have to step in,” says James-Strayhorn.

• Take a beat: If you have the urge to jump in, take a deep breath, and step away. That may mean going to a different part of the house so you don’t have to see them or keeping yourself distracted with an activity. 

• Communicate with your partner: Do this when things are calm, and you’re not actively parenting. Be honest. For example, say: “I appreciate how involved you’ve been, and for me it's hard to let go of the reins because of X, Y, or Z.” This could also be a good time to offer some gentle suggestions. Try saying: “I've seen Johnny do that in the bathtub. I’ve found that doing X really helps.” That way you’re coming at it like you’re both on the same team, says James-Strayhorn.

• Remember that help is a good thing: But you have to accept it. Your partner may be trying to balance some of the parenting responsibilities, but if you keep intervening, they may start to lose confidence and think you don’t trust them to be a good parent. This could backfire and lead to less involvement. 

How Adding a Family Game Night Could Help Your Kid

A new study suggests that playing board games can help young kids build stronger math skills. Researchers analyzed 19 studies where kids 3-9 years old played board games like Dominoes, Chutes and Ladders, and The Great Race. The play sessions were run by teachers, therapists, and parents, and the kids were rated on different math skills (counting, knowing a number is greater than another, addition, and subtraction). 

They found math skills improved significantly in children who played board games for 52% of the tasks analyzed. And in 32% of cases, kids who played board games got better results than those who didn’t.

One early childhood learning expert says when families play games like Monopoly and The Game of Life, you’re “exposing young children to multiple representations of numbers.” The key? Keep playing and talking together, even as they get older.