What We Get Wrong About Family Estrangement

What We Get Wrong About Family Estrangement 

Millennials and Gen Z are going straight to a common source of their mental health issues: Toxic family members — and they’re not afraid to walk away. Family estrangement is becoming common, with more than a quarter of Americans having cut ties with a family member, according to one survey. Cutting ties may be a good option for some, but like all families, it’s more complicated than it seems. 

Let’s clear some things up… 

Severing a toxic connection can mean less stress, anxiety, and panic. But it can also be painful. That's why it's important to demystify some misconceptions. 

Being estranged doesn’t have to last forever 

Focus on what works for you right now, says Nedra Tawwab, therapist and NYT best-selling author. It’s possible to reconcile — and it’s common for people starting a family or if a parent becomes ill.  

You don’t need one “big” incident to cut ties

That may be the case, like if you’re dealing with someone abusive. But estrangement can also happen after years of smaller transgressions. Tawwab says that is just as valid. 

You won’t always feel good about your decision

Saying, “Don’t you know that you’re toxic?” can feel great. But feelings of grief, guilt, shame, and loneliness may also come up. “There may be some longing for things being different,” Tawwab says. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve made the wrong choice. But, “if that feeling is persistent, is an estrangement what you really want?”

Your move

If you’re considering showing a family member the door, journal on how you feel during and after your interactions with them, says Tawwab. "Notice feeling panicked, feeling anxious, not being able to talk, not being able to be heard, or them not having any interest in your life,” she explains. 

Know that the other person may not ever want to reconcile if you choose to go down that path. If you’re not ready for that, set boundaries to protect your mental health: Limit how much time you spend with or speak to them and when.

Read more on how to be intentional about family estrangement.

We asked you to vote on a question you’d like answered. The winner was:

How do I know if my scalp has buildup? 

FEATURED EXPERT:

Marisa Garshick, MD, FAAD

Board-certified dermatologist at MDCS Dermatology

Buildup can refer to the accumulation of products, dead skin cells, oil, and dirt on the scalp, says Garshick. Your scalp has buildup if you're experiencing flaking in the hair, scaly plaque sitting on the scalp, and other symptoms, including redness, itching, or inflammation, adds Garshick.

"The main ways to get rid of scalp buildup is to, one, shampoo regularly … making sure you're doing a thorough shampoo and rinse. This is where … clarifying shampoos may be helpful because they're designed to help remove any excess oil. While not everyone needs to wash their hair every day, if you are putting stuff in, you want to make sure you're doing what you need to eliminate the product."

Read our full interview with Garshick here.

Catch up on the latest health news, tips, and trends.

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"I might die with this pregnancy" is what some Black women think when they're expecting, and why some prefer a Black OB-GYN. But finding one isn't easy.

“Sry” is not the right way to say you’re sorry. This is.  

This week, Skimm Well writer Sami Roberts tested a fiber supplement.

What we tried: Pinch Magic Fiber

Where you can find it: On the company’s website

What it'll cost you: $35 for one jar of powder with 28 servings (a four-week supply) or $27 with a monthly subscription

What to expect: I approached the powdered fiber supplement with tired, wary optimism. I’d already tried everything from prunes to over-the-counter medications, so I wasn’t counting on results. I’d resigned to losing hours of my life to fruitless bathroom trips. Nearly 20% of women struggle with constipation, according to one study, so I’m not alone.  

The founders of Pinch say it takes four to six days to see results. In my case, the ~magic~ happened after only two days of mixing a scoop of powder in eight ounces of water daily. Both flavors — tropical and lemon-ginger — are tasty enough to make drinking it tolerable. Unlike other remedies I’d tried, this one didn’t have an overcompensating laxative effect. Now, if I go a day without it, my body notices. (My screen time is down, too. Coincidence?)

The bottom line: For me, $27 per month is a small price to flush away my physical discomfort. If you’re tired of spending so much time in the bathroom, Pinch Magic Fiber might be worth a sh*t, er, shot. 

"Cry Once a Week"

— The name of a website that wants to help you do just that. We’re all set on our own, thanks.