We're in a “Friendship Recession”

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We Have to Talk About...

The “Friendship Recession”

It used to feel like your closest friends would be within arm’s reach forever. Now, it’s hard to scrape together one or two people with advanced notice. Welcome to the “friendship recession.”

Some friendship loss is natural, says Jessica Ayers, assistant professor of psychological science at Boise State University, who studies friendships. But Millennials especially feel the sting. A 2019 survey found that 27% have no close friends and 22% have no friends at all. Not great for our health, considering friendships boost our wellbeing, says Ayers.

Where did all our friends go?

You might feel friend-deficient if…

You move or switch jobs a lot.

Being in a generation of movers and job-hoppers can make it hard to keep a regular hang routine.

What to do: Miriam Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert, says frequency and repetition help create friendships. So set up regular catch-ups with old work friends or go to events you enjoy to meet new people.

You lost touch during the pandemic.

Social distancing may have had a larger impact on your friendships than you realize.

What to do: Reach out — without feeling weird about whether it’s the “right time,” says Kirmayer. “Research shows we underestimate how much our friends want to hear from us, especially when it's unexpected,” she says.

Social media is replacing in-person friendships.

"Millennials are the last generation of people born before the internet,” says Ayers, so they’re the guinea pigs on how social media impacts these relationships. While the research is still new, online-only friendships don’t hit the same as IRL ones, she explains.

What to do: Limit your following to people you care about, and catch yourself when you start comparing yourself to friends online, which “will only create more distance and dissatisfaction in your friendships,” Kirmayer says. 

You spend more time at home.

"Third places" are disappearing, which can make it difficult to know where and how to meet new people, Kirmayer says.

What to do: Invite your friends over to hang out and do nothing instead of scheduled activities.

Your move

Part of making or staying friends is understanding what kind of friendships you need. Ayers recommends asking yourself these questions to help guide you toward your people. 

• Do you prefer to have a wide group of friends or a small, close-knit few? 

• What do you hope to get from your friendships — someone adventurous to try new things with, or someone trustworthy who will offer emotional support?

• What qualities do you bring to a friendship?

Ask an Expert

Last week, we asked you to vote on a question to answer. The winner was:

All my friends have kids, and I don’t. How can I still relate to them?

FEATURED EXPERT:

Danielle Bayard Jackson

Friendship educator and author of the new book “Fighting for Our Friendships”

Ask questions. “If your friend is posting to social media, those are your prompts. … A lot of times they’ll post about baby’s first steps, or feeling tired … you can use that as a lead-in,” she explains.

Find new ways to bond. It’s impossible not to compare our present to the past — yet we can’t go back to what we had before, says Jackson. “So instead ... what are new things we can do, to show that we can connect?" Try something new like an art or cooking class, or going on a weekly walk. 

PS: If you can't always relate to your parent friends, Jackson explains why here.

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"Energy vampire"

A perpetually negative friend who emotionally drains you. They suck.