What Dr. Becky Wants Working Parents to Know

In The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt, PhD, a social psychologist, argues that the rise of smartphones and overprotective parenting is contributing to the mental health crisis in our kids. In response, Becky Kennedy (Dr. Becky), clinical psychologist and founder of Good Inside, teamed up with Haidt to create a five-step guide for parents to help kids be less anxious. 

We spoke with Kennedy about how working parents can manage their own stress and anxiety, set boundaries around screens, and encourage independence in their children.  

How can I make sure I'm not passing my anxieties on to my kid?

“I want to give you my favorite coping strategy to manage … [your] anxiety. It's called AVP: Acknowledge, Validate, Permit.

• “Acknowledge: This is the process of saying ‘hi’ to how you're feeling. ‘Hi, anxiety.’ ‘Hi, nervous thoughts about work.’ 

• “Validate: [Tell] your feelings why they make sense. ‘This is a really challenging project, and it's hard to just mentally put it down.’

• “Permit: It's the process of telling yourself, ‘I give myself permission to be having this feeling.’ 

“I know we're often taught that coping skills should make feelings go away. They don't. The whole goal is actually to learn to cope with feelings. In AVP … we stop the feeling from taking over us … we make the feeling a part of us.

“When it inevitably spills over … just tell your kids about it. ‘Hey, I think I was yelling a lot yesterday, and I kind of had a short fuse. I want you to know there's a lot going on at work that's on my mind and it's not your fault when I yell. I'm going to try to do a better job managing all the feelings I have about work so it doesn't spill into the home.’ Kids don't need perfect parents. Kids need parents who explain things, who take responsibility, and who repair.” 

How do I set screen-time rules for my kids when I have to be on screens a lot for work?

“I would just start by owning this outright. You can tell your kid, ‘I want to talk about some phone house rules, and I want to acknowledge that there will be times I'm on my phone for work. I'll try to let you know when that's the case, and I get that it might be kind of annoying.’ Just by being honest, you're gaining a lot of credibility with your kid. 

“The next thing I would do is set rules around key moments: Where does the phone go when you come into the house, [or during] family meals, and at night? 

“To me, it's helpful to get into a habit of when your kid comes home from school, they put their phone somewhere that's not in their room to charge. So it's off their body when they come into the house. 

“I'm a big fan of no phones at the dinner table. But this is a time when I would say that's true for adults as well. Hopefully, you can put an away message up on Slack or in your email … that says ‘having phone-free dinner with my family.’” 

“Next, phones have to charge out of a child's bedroom. We know that sleep is critical for kids' mental health, for their growing development, and phones being in the room when kids go to sleep is detrimental to both a good night's sleep and their mental health. 

“That is a rule I would have as a nonnegotiable, and if it's not happening now, it's never too late to change it. You can tell your kid, ‘Hey! I've decided to make one important change to phone house rules. No phones in the bedroom during sleep. I know this is a change. I know this might feel annoying. I know it might take a few nights to get used to. And I know it's best for you. It comes from a place of caring for you and loving you, and I know we're gonna figure this out together.’”

What are some ways to let my kids do independent tasks while I'm working from home?

“I think about practice and expectation setting. If you want your kids to be able to do things independently while you're on a work call, [then] practice [it] with them outside that moment. Talk to them about the activities they like to do. Have them play independently for two minutes, then five minutes, then 10 minutes, then finally 15 minutes. So by the time you have a 30-minute work call, they've built this skill and seen themselves become more capable of independent play. 

“In terms of expectations, anybody has a hard time doing something independently if they're shocked by someone's absence. So if your kid comes home from school only to see that mom is on a work call, they might have a hard time playing independently because they feel surprised.

“If instead, you tell them in the morning, ‘Hey, when you get home, I might be on a work call. If you come to my door, you'll see there's either going to be a green, which means I'm available, or a red, which means I'm on a work call. If it's a red, it would be great if you could…’ and then fill in the blank with the independent play they've been practicing. This gives a kid a sense of agency and predictability, and removes the surprise, which means they'll be better able to play independently.”