Alicia Menendez on Avoiding the "Likability Trap" at Work

Alicia Menendez, MSNBC anchor, award-winning journalist, and host of the Latina to Latina podcast, was so concerned about being likable at work that she wrote a whole book about it. She even created a name for that pressure women feel to be amenable in the office – "the likability trap.” And as an on-camera journalist, she’s fallen into that trap throughout her career. In this episode, we spoke with Alicia about her journey with likability, how that affected her professional and personal wellbeing, and her recommendations for carving out your own professional identity. 

In this episode, she shares: 

• Why she didn’t go into politics like her father 

• How she’s dealt with the pressure of other people’s expectations

• What she’s done to carve out her own leadership style and professional identity 

• How she talks to her daughters about likability 

• Her advice for avoiding getting caught up in the trap, and getting your coworkers and managers to do the same 

On a Moment She Fell Into the Likability Trap

Alicia: It might've been the first time I was on “The View.” I was nervous because it was “The View.” And I kept asking people, other hosts, producers, “What makes a good guest? Like, tell me what to do. How can I be good?” And everyone kept telling me the same thing. They kept saying, “Just be yourself. Just be yourself.” And part of what I realized is that, for me as a people pleaser and as someone who cared about being well-liked, I had no idea who that was.

I was 29, or I was 30, and I knew who I was when I was with my then-boyfriend. I knew who I was when I was with my friends from college. I knew who I was when I was with my co-workers, but I didn't understand how all of that integrated into one person. And so I walked out on set, and the room is pumping with music, and people are standing up and cheering and they're saying your name like this. And I just froze because I didn't know which of my selves I was supposed to show up as. And I answered every question as tersely as possible in the hopes of getting off that stage as quickly as possible.

On Defining the Likability "Trap"

Alicia: If you're like me and you do what society tells women to do, which is to care about what other people think of you, then you're giving up a part of yourself. If you don't do that, then you still may be penalized in the form of promotions, opportunities, and so that's what I decided to focus on. And the more I focused on it, the more I realized we’ve sold women this lie. We've sold women this idea that if they just ask for things the right way, or if they just present themselves the right way, then the world is their oyster and they can have anything they want.

And the problem with that is that it places the burden back on women. It creates this sense that we are responsible for getting or not getting what we want and that we alone are the ones who can fix it, instead of thinking of it as a structural challenge.

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